Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Anastasia]

Hello and hugs @@@@@ @@ @@@@ @@ 

[MumNeedsHelp]

hi @Anastasia I can soooo relate! I haven't been here for a while, but my daughter broke up with her boyfriend some months ago which was a huge relief for me as their relationship was toxic. They smoked a lot of marijuana and her self esteem deteriorated dramatically while she was with him. He hit her twice that I know of and the end came when he smashed her car windscreen with a shovel then wrecked her tyres while she looked on ( I can't tell you how sick it makes me feel to think he could have turned that shovel on her), this resulted in an AVO. My relief was short lived. She kind of went further off the rails after that, reckless behaviour etc but worse than that, I found out that she has been in contact with him. I know this breeches the AVO etc....but that's another story. <br>Back to being able to relate to your story - I can't even speak about how frustrated, frightened and disappointed I am that she is seeing him and thinks he's 'changed' now. It kills me. <br>I recently attended an online seminar hosted by a group that assists people with unhealthy reliance on substances and the advice I got was invaluable and I think can easily apply to unhealthy relationships. Obviously we worry for their safety and that can't be ignored, but the biggest thing we can do so as not to drive them away, is to keep the lines of communication open, make sure they know they have a safe space to come to, set healthy boundaries for our own mental health and learn how to communicate effectively. <br>I'm not sure how old your son is, but my daughter is 18 and classed as an adult. I have made it clear to her that if he becomes a fixture in her life, that it would take a lot of effort on his part to earn back our trust. I know that if I told her that I would never accept him into our lives that there is a chance that I could lose her to him forever. I will tell you that I am hoping with all my heart that she realises that he is not the one for her. <br>You sound like you are doing everything you can to keep that line of communication open and honest - just remember your boundaries for your own state of wellbeing. Big hugs and I hope this was somewhat helpful xx

[Anastasia]

@MumNeedsHelp 

Thank you for your message. Gosh I'm so sorry for all that you have and are going through. Being a Mum is far from easy, isn't it!?

My son is 21.

I don't think I handled it as well as some but I handled it as best as I could. I didn't yell, I didn't accuse. I just asked why and reminded him of what she did and how she treated him. His responses he thinks she's grown up a lot in the three years. 

When I asked why he lied, his response was that he knew I'd react this way.

He ate and then went to bed without a word. 

[MumNeedsHelp]

@Anastasia It's so tough. Can I just point out how positive it is that he is aware of the fact that he responds to female interest in that way! That's pretty huge actually; that and that he voiced it out loud to you. I would take that as a really good sign that he is having some internal conversations that could lead to better choices down the track. 
It's just hard letting go and giving them the opportunity to work through their choices, make mistakes and learn from them. We are their mum's right to the end and we will never stop worrying. God help us 🙂

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ ...... @Anastasia @MumNeedsHelp 

My kids are still in communication with and under the infleuence of super-toxic ex ...... so hard to just grit your teeth and try to wait things out, and heart-breaking to be picking up pieces time and again .....

I am sending you love and blessings, and holding you both up in prayer as you persevere with the courage it takes to parent adult children under these conditions.  And please pile on your own self-care ..... it's not a luxury, it's a necessity as a shield against the toxicity we are exposed to in the line of love and duty.

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[NatureLover]

Oh no, @Anastasia ! This is bad! Toxic and manipulating and lies...oh no 😞

I'm glad you were finally able to get it out of him, who he had been with...but I can hear you're not doing well at all, and the consequences must feel huge 😞 No wonder you haven't slept.

You have worked so hard in the past 3 years - I didn't know it was that long but I see how hard you struggle for your boy every day. 

Thank you for tagging me in this. I will be sending lots of wishes for the whole situation, for your boy's health, for your health, and that this toxic person will bugger off. 

Please know I am here for you, to listen or send hugs and strengthening wishes. 💚

[Anastasia]

Real tears here and so grateful for your messages. Thank you 🙏

It helps knowing I'm not alone. Wish for a better future for all of us and our precious "children"

@Faith-and-Hope @MumNeedsHelp 

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Anastasia 

1) Allow areas of privacy for your son as he grows into his manhood.  It may be hard, but it might help him become more resourceful

I have been in similar situation as @Faith-and-Hope  as I have not been able to block the serious toxic person's influence (his half sister) over my son.  Her dominance and troublemaking occurred from before his birth and succeeded in destroying my relationship with my biological daughter, so that is also hugely problematic and triggering for me.

She proved her recent toxicity to my son, and also gossip behind the scenes about him, by calling police in pseudo welfare check.  She has to come to terms with mental illness in her own biological parentage without blaming me for everything, when I was the one who did all the work.  My son had kept giving her chances over all his life, and hoped she would be positive in his life, even I was ambivalent as I hoped half sister would be better than no sister, and accepted and allowed their contact, even though inside I was screaming with worry..  She has proved her toxicity now, and my son has developed other relationships outside of my knowledge, which is fine, This month he has told me he no longer believes the family is genuine family for him except for me.  We have been very isolated and maybe I made the mistake of keeping open and reaching out and hoping.  He now says he has accepted a friend I have not met yet, as a sister, and is developing socially, better late than never, and he is testing about trust and values..  

@Anastasia I believe VALUES are the key concepts to communicate with your son to enable him to become aware of the quality of relationships of all kinds, friend, romantic, sexual ....  Try not to micromanage his truth telling or saying a lie, as he is of an age where he needs some privacy from his mother.  I feel for you, but his honest understanding is really worth it, un the long run. Perfect communication all the time may be unrealistic. What to do with MUMMA BEAR.  idk.  PRAY!

[Anastasia]

I hear you dear Apple, thank you 🙏

You are wise and I am grateful for your message. Can't fully take it all in but I will return probably a number of times to read and eventually absorb all. Having this here is a go to for me to improve my "skills" around being better.

It's hard but you are right @Appleblossom  💕

[Faith-and-Hope]

❤️ @Appleblossom