14th year house bound

[Jacques]

Hi My Angel,

Well i don't know about a lot of effort, but we do manage a nice christmas on our own, i think it is for mum and i just a celebration we have made it through another year, for mum financially and for me emotionally.

Oh my angel, you could tell them if they feel you can't be helped then their is no point going back to the MHU, maybe just working on the flashbacks may be more useful with the psychologist?

Karen, i know i am going to have seperation anxiety for the rest of my life, it is a fact, Mum is teaching me not to fight it but accept it and make home as nice as possible and enjoy the little things, let the big things go.

That is how i am trying to cope with things now, i know i will never get a job, i know i will never meet a girl.  I now just focus on the wildlife, the garden and the house, this 1/4 acher is going to be the only world i know.

Do you think that may be possible Karen?  to let go of your bigger life plans and accept things as they are and make the best of it?  I know how hard it is to let go, i struggle often with it, but you have so much that you could look forward to in life, you have your own piece of paradise, 2 beautiful daughters. 

I do hope one day you do get better, rmrmber they are making advances in PTSD, depression and ancxiety all the time, so their is always hope of getting better, i get flash backs too, but after 14 years, they are still their but not as strong as they once where.  please Karen, just give it time.

[hiddenite]

I think that's a great way of looking at things.

It's difficult to think that way but punishing myself everyday because I cannot do simple things like going to the shops isn't working for me either.

I used to dream what life would be like if Iwasn't with my husband. But this is a living nightmare.

We would have a small home in the Bush. I would work as a kindergarten assistant, I already had the job offer.

Now I'm a pathetic useless waste of space, aleach on society.

No point dreaming any more.

[Appleblossom]

dear @hiddenite

Challenge those thoughts: useless, leach, waste of space.

We might aim for the stars but get to the moon .. remember the best role model for your girls is YOU.

We all get negative thoughts like tapes ... that keep playing over and over ...  we have to challenge them

@Jacques is right

[Jacques]

Hi My angel,

Yes it is a great way og looking at things, but it has taken me years to master, and sometimes i still struggle to let go of what might have been.

I do the same Karen, i struggle to be kind to myself because i can't do simple things, having my mother do most things makes me feel humiliated but it is sommething i have to accept.

Please Karen, keep dreamming, dreamming is good we may not meet our dream expectations, but it helps us strive for something, even if it is unattainable.

Oh Karen, what a beautiful dream, a small home in the bush, count me in, no people only nature, and seeing how well you do as a mother, you would make a wonderful child care assistant, it is still possible you know, you do a lot for the school your girls attend, it would be the same thing, maybe try working for 1 day per week, and as you get comfortable make it 2 days and so on, if it does not work out you have lost nothing.  it is worth a try my angel.

Karen, to me you are a strong and kind person, who sacrifies a lot for her family, who has been handed some terrible cards in life, and has delt with those cards with astounding resillience and dignity.  Karen, to me, you are the perfect woman, the perfect mother.

Karen, i am pleading with you, don't stop dreamming, i dream too, i often think if i was like most people, i would have a wife, children, a $100,000 a year job, a nice home and a nice car.  Even though it has not worked out for me, i still dream with changes, i have a pension, my mother allows me to live in her home, and i enjoy nature and gardening. to most people these things are laughable, but to me they are my peace.

[Appleblossom]

Nature and gardening are not laughable to me @Jacques or to many people.  I hope eventually you find a few more people who think the way you do ... I know small country towns can be provincial .. but then slowly things change ... even in the outback.

[hiddenite]

Hi appleblossom I really don't think im a good role model for my girls. They have watched all their years me being treated like dirt.

I can't even take them out without my anxiety wrecking it.

Feeling really sorry for myself.

But thanks for the kind words

[hiddenite]

Jacques I had that dream a husband, 2 beautiful children, the big house on a property in the Bush, nice cars, show cars, he had the dream job.... he could afford whatever he wanted.

No of this made any of us happy, we were miserable.

It's a good dream but doesn't necessarily make you happy.

Idon't ever remember being happy....

There is still hope for youJacques I believe one day you'll find what you're looking for.

[Jacques]

Thankyou @Appleblossom, yes i never had these problems when i lived in the city, but the country has different views on how men should behave, drinking, football, abusing women and doing burnouts. this is not me, and i can't meet locals expectations of me.

You are right though things are slowly changing, as more city people move to the country it dilutes the country bigotry.

[Appleblossom]

My son had also watched me being treated like dirt for a long time .... it has taken a while for him to turn around ... both my girls still do ... I just hope that one day they realise ... some of it is about the impossible expectations we generally put on the role of motherhood ... in the general community and the MI field.

Recovering from c PTSD takes a lot of time ... but it is possible ... and remember ... one of the best lessons our kids have is watching their parent stand up again after they have fallen down.

Be a bit kinder to yourself ... we often find our heroes have clay feet ... and our dreams were a little immature but we can live and learn ... try and catch your over generalising about yourself.

I didnt think I was much company when I took my kids out ... but I tried to get them to see lovely things and lovely places ... they do need to do their own work at maturing too.

[Jacques]

You are right my angel,

This was what i dreamed of after high school, i see all mums family living happy lives, and i seem to be the only one who is miserable, i know money and things don't make you happy, but it is what society expects of us, my mothers family and firends put a lot of stock into what you have, your material possessions.

Karen my dream now is to own a home in the bush where their is no one around, live off nature and enjoy my surroundings, live a simple life, a humble life.  I know in this world, in this time their is no way of isolating from people, but it is a nice dream to hold onto, it makes me smile.

Karen, my time has been and gone, their is nothing for me, my only hope now is i can live long enough to care for mum and that will be my wishes complete.

Karen, now is the time to make new happy memories, you still have time too, your girls have so many milestones comming up, i know as a mum deep down you want the best for your girls and want to see them happy, i know they are going to grow up very well adjusted and strong women,  you are going to be proud of them, i just know it.

Karen maybe even small dreams may help, when i was living on $1,000 a year, i could not afford an icecream, now i have forfilled that dream, i have an icecream once a week in the summer, and 1 take away coffee of a winter, it is a small dream, but one i have realised.  What i am trying to say is the dream does not need to be big and grandious, even small dreams can bring happyness, if only for a few minutes.  but those few minutes are worth cherrishing