14th year house bound

[hiddenite]

My appointment with them isn't till 3.00 so I'm pretty worked up already. Can't go far from the toilet and at this point I might throw up too.

Shaking, chest pains, can't breathe.

If I go in like this they will put me back in for sure

J you need to rest.... I'll get there some how.

[Jacques]

Oh yes Karen, i get that way too, we need to distract you, how warm is it in Vic today? i heard their is a cool change on the way.

Karen i am shaking so bad right now i could work as a bar tender, i would make a great shaken martini ,  Karen slow your breathing down, take as many deep breaths as you need, what do you see around you?

Karen i am going to stay up anyway, i will be here for you i hope you don't mind.

It is tough meeting new people, make sure you take  a deep breath before you go in, maybe spend time now writing some questions you can hand to the phsyc to be prepared.

[hiddenite]

I won't get out of the appointment till about 4.30 then I have to drive home if I can. If I shake too much they won't allow me to drive.

So please don't worry Jacques have your rest as usual.

Thinking of you.....

BTW how is your wrist, I hope it's not too bad.

Stay safe....

Karen

[Jacques]

That would be great @NikNik, last night i spent most of the night trying to figure out how to take my own life after mum dies, i was looking on the internet for ways.  i know this is not good, but i have never been away from mum, i am scared that if something happens to her and i do try to take my life someone will stop me.  this is my greatest fear of all.

[hiddenite]

The cool Chang came in yesterday afternoon but the sun is out.

I have an appointment at 12.00 to get my tax done but I'm too scared to leave the house to what a mess.

I'm sitting in my room four walls, a bed and t.v.

I'll let you know how I go.

Thanks Jacques

[Jacques]

Remember what i said before Karen, take the anxiety hit all at once, try to do your taxes and see the trating team today, you will be really anxious, but it will be only for today, i will be here for you Karen, tonight i will help calm you back down.  remember distraction is key, sitting in a room will only make things worse, you have time to think, maybe go into the tax office a little early, look around some shops, go to the park, something where you can't think.

[hiddenite]

Hi Jacques

Had my tax done, and been to bunnings to buy new window winders .

I'm back in the car but anxiety has got so bad I don't know if I can drive.

I can't do it, not another psychologist, this will be number four in 12 months. I can't relive it again...

[Jacques]

Good girl Karen, you are doing well, it is tough being somewhere busy, Karen take a deep breath, look out the window, focus on what is around you.

Karen you don't need to speak to the new psychologist, you don't need to speak of your past until you are comfortable, i believe in you Karen, you can do it, take your time, take a deep breath and if at any point you feel uncomfortable you can always leave.

[hiddenite]

Wow still a mess... so stupid for getting this anxious. I feel they will take one look at me and say I have to go back in.

The only benefit would be I wouldn't have to hold safety it would their problem.

Yea I did the online thing to see how.

My first psychologist laughed in my face when I said I was suicidal.

I think I'm still scared of being laughed at, scared that they will say I deserved the things he did to me because I'm not a good enough person.

[hiddenite]

I don't want to be asked why didn't I leave, why didn't I get help or phone the police, why did I have children when I knew what he was like.

I can't do this j it's too much again overwhelmed