Lived Experience Forum

[wiggumy2]

It doesnt matter to me what I call it, I know I need help with my life that goes beyond drugs, but drugs have led me to lows I never thought that I would reach. When I think of a "disease" I think of a medical condition. A disease, to me, has always been something that a doctor could take a blood test or a biopsy for and those tests say definitively that you have a disease or not. This is what I struggle with when I hear disease of addiction. I have the same problem when I am told that I am bipolar or schizoaffeffective, because I have been in denial for long periods of time because doctors could only diagnose me from observing my symptoms, but there is no blood test and there is no x-ray, so I would always believe my illness is a judgement call, and I would judge my own condition and say that there's nothing wrong with me despite the fact that I am manic, delusional, and psychotic. However when I come down from this state, my previous erratic and wreckless behavior becomes clear and I can now say that I am bipolar type 1 or schizoaffective without hesitation.

It is easier for me to say that I am an addict than it is for me to say that I suffer from the disease of addiction. I have denied myself from accepting addiction as a disease. I have had in the back of my head the belief that calling my addiction a disease excuses me if I were to start going back to using drugs. I also believe that calling my addiction a disease gives my condition more weight than I believe that it deserves. However I never thought that considering my condition a disease may be what I need to do to give my addiction the attention that it deserves.

[Heart]

Hello @wiggumy2, Welcome. There are alot of people on this forum who can offer you some advice and support for what you are going through. It sound like you have been on a rough road for a while.

Alot of medical diseases are diagnosed without blood test and xrays. Are you seeing a good GP? Are you getting Mental Health support through a therapist of any kind? 

I am going to tag a few people here for you that may be able to direct you to getting the help you need, @utopia, @pip. 

Take care of yourself.

[utopia]

Welcome @wiggumy2. Unusual name.
You said that you found it hard to come to terms with your MI diagnosis - because you like a disease / disorder to be proven with a test.
Your MI & your Addiction can both show on brain scans. But they aren't ordered - because a diagnosis can be made through visual observation, reading diary entries, listening to your stories, etc.
I'm glad you have accepted your MI diagnosis. That's really important for your treatment and lifestyle planning moving forward.
Addictions are a disease. Whatever the reason a person fitst starts using a drug, it changes their brain chemistry.
We now know that some people are more prone to addiction than others. There is a genetic link, environmental link & medical link. Often peole with a MI self medicate with drugs to mask, alleviate their symptoms - before diagnosis and help. I did this with alcohol. Still struggle some days.
I wonder if you have stopped the drugs yet. Would you consider going to a drug treatment centre? Is that something your heakth team have talked with you abiut?
There are many physical illnesses that doctors can't diagnose by tests - think Fibro myalgia. So it often takes years of observation before diagnosis are made. Our brain is like that with MI.
How are brain works - is still largely an unexplored area of medicine. One where we are all learning new things everyday.
I'm glad you have now accepted your diagnosis and I wish yiu well in your treatment.

[wiggumy2]

@Heart : I see a psychologist once a week, nuse practitioner for med, and I've been going to Depression Bipolar Support Alliance support groups twice a week. I just came out of a depressed state about a week ago, and it was relieved when I began writing. My post above was my answer to the question "What does the disease of addiction mean to you." Thank you for your response and support.<br><br>@Utopia : This is my old Aim screenname, lol. Derived from my favorite Simpsons character. I'm aboUT 80 days clean today and go to NA meetings just about everyday. I've recently came out of a depressed state and my addiction to drugs has been more pronounced now that I'm not depressed so I'm trying to tackle both illnesses at the same time. I'm finding that there is quite a bit of overlap between bipolar type 1 (or schizoaffective) and my addiction. I do know for sure that I'm addicted to comfort when I'm depressed (my bed and tv) and I'm addicted to pleasure when I'm manic (marijuana, alcohol, getting off, social media). I still feel unsteady at times, but I hope when I'm in the therapeutic range for lamictal that will help. Meanwhile making meetings and seeing my therapist are a huge help right now. Also, my sponsor told me to start a journal and that keeps me a bit more balanced when I have no one to talk to.

[Appleblossom]

Hi @wiggumy2

Its great you are carving a more balanced and constructive path for yourself. 80 days is significant.  I have experienced addictive behaviours which I see as a result of attachment disorders and have also read a lot about the value of detachment.  I see life as a continual juggling act requiring balance....  Just that the highs & lows are more extreme for some of us.  

You are grappling with ethical issues in your post too. Responsibility and judgement (or discernment) and the way we use words can influence a lot about our life paths.

I resonate a lot with your statement when diagnosed with a disease ... that it was a judgement call .. a diagnosis is never the whole or last word regarding your being and your life.  Many people on the site find it helpful ... maybe it can be a way to cut yourself a bit of slack ... but doesnt get us off the hook completely ...

Take care.

Apple

[utopia]

@wiggumy2. Yes isn't he the incompetent cop who just adores his son to bits? A great character.
I'm utopia because I'm an optimist and one day hope the world will be a Utopian Paradise. Til then .... I just try to make my life as ideal as I can.
I live with depression and anxiety. I've had PTSD from a workplace incident - but have had successful treatment.
When I was still at work and acutely stressed and depressed - I self medicated with alcohol. Still drink some days. But I know it messes with my depression.
My psychologist is an ex drug and alcohol counselor - so he's been a big help.
I avoid gambling - except my tatts tickets. Because I have a personality that is prone to addictions. Only alcohol tobaco and junk food are my enemies now. But there is so much addiction in my family tree - that I am careful.
So great to hear you are 80 days clean. That is a BRILLIANT achievement. I hope you acknowledge the hard work you have done to get to this point. Well done!.
Keep looking forward. Keep in mind that things will keep improving (ever the optimist). That you have made it this far - means you eill make it even further.
We have a numberof membrrs here who love journal writing. I find writing here on this forum quite helpful.

[wiggumy2]

Hi @Appleblossom
I know that I'm not just my diagnosis. I don't introduce myself (except in this forum or in meetings) as bipolar or an addict, but I do find it relieving when I do talk about it and people come up to me and say that they could relate to something I said. I believe we are, as people, more alike than different, but there are a lot of people out there thinking that they are the only ones experiencing the feelings that they have and if I could share some experience, strength, and hope maybe I could make a positive difference in someone's life.

[wiggumy2]

@utopia : The son, Ralph Wiggum, is my favorite character : )

[utopia]

Lol

[utopia]

@wiggumy2. Lisa is my favorite Simpsons character because she is one strong female. And she's not going to let her disfunctional family bring her down.