Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[olly53]

I too had problems with a former boyfriend of my daughters who convinced her that I was the problem and she would be better with me out of her life. I did try to speak to him about this but he very quickly became the expert on her condition and was patronising to me during these conversations. I then decided to take a step back and let go as my daughter dealt with the relationship herself. Needless to say it ended with her boyfriend ironically calling me for assistance. I have to constantly remind myself that my daughter is a 36 year old adult who has to make decisions for her own life. Not all of her decisions are what I would choose for her but it seems to be the constant juggle of being there and letting go which I sometimes get wrong and the conflict begins. But such is the nature of her condition that I ride these bumps hitting the wall at times and bouncing back with her when she realises that she has kicked the person who always has her best interests at heart. Not an easy road for any of us but I can't get off it even when sometimes I really want to.

[Ruth]

Thanks Olly53 for sharing about your daughter. You are resilient and strong. It's a rollercoaster ride, isn't it? Forgive the brevity of my reply. But I appreciate hearing from you x

[pip]

Hi @Ruth. The biggest problem for you at the moment is, you and bf are competing for your daughter and he's winning because he's the bf and you're only mum. It's an 'I love him and he understands me' situation. Even if you get the courage to tell him to leave, chances are she will follow because she believes in him. How old is your daughter? At 20, he appears worldly, knowledgeable and her age group. To her, you are old-fashioned and don't understand her as he does. It's a battle of wits, that I would leave alone. The revelation will come to her that he and you are saying similar things. She is hearing you - yes, but is unwilling to listen. All she can really hear is she loves him and he loves her. She sounds incredibly naïve and ( sorry for this) gullible and he plays on it. Perhaps it might be an idea to suggest to him, he find another place to live as your health is suffering from the toll the extra workload he has placed on you. Tell your daughter she is welcome to continue the relationship. If you try to come between them she will choose him in defiance. Just mention your Dr is concerned for your health. He is claiming to be an 'expert' on health, play on his supposed wisdom. You may have to play-act slightly, but if you let him see how sick you are, he may realize you are not coping. Once he agrees to go (I'm sure common sense will prevail ), let your daughter know she can see him whenever. Eventually she will realize, once she is doing what you have been doing, she will see just how lazy he is. Tough love often works, but it requires something not many parents are able to do 'switching off'. At this stage, you have nothing to lose.

[Ruth]

oh thank you Pip. 

Yes, there is definitely a 'generation' thing going on. I mentioned to Kate that I'd overheard the boyfriend yelling and swearing at her, and I found this distressing. I said "No man should ever speak to a woman like that. Indeed, no human being should yell at another like that".  Kate was quick on boyfriend's defence, telling me I was old fashioned, and that there's no difference in gender. (Any mention of gentlemanly behaviour was scoffed at).  And yes, he "understands her", and vice versa, like no-one ever before! Silly old 60 year old mum wouldn't know anything!!  

The irony of this situation is that the boyfriend's house is about ten houses away, where his mother and brother live. I have never met them, and I get the feeling that Kate and boyfriend don't want the two mothers to meet.