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Kazz1
Contributor

Seeking advice

I am here as I would like some help communicating with my daugther, she is 41 and has 2 daughters aged 5 and 7. Until the last 4 months we had a good relationship but things have moved to a point where she reacts negatively to all things I say. I spoke with someone yesterday from SANE and she said sounds like my daughter may have borderline personality disorder. There is much more to this story but I am wondering if anyone can offer advice on how I can suggest she may benefit from talking to someone for advice or help without her responding negatively saying there is nothing wrong with her.

17 REPLIES 17

Re: Seeking advice

Well, rather then coming straight out and suggesting that there's something wrong with her (which, going by what you've said, seems like it would not be taken well), you could begin by asking her if there's anything she'd appreciate help with and, if so, how you can best help her.

 

You could wrap it under the pretense of "just checking in with her during the coronavirus crisis".

 

If she implies that she might have some internal problems, then that could open the door for you to make the suggestions you want to make.

Re: Seeking advice

Thank you that is a useful suggestion. There is a complication which I didn't mention prior, she is living in and renting a property my partner and I own (we have a mortgage on it which we are paying). After 6 years of renting she stopped paying rent November last year, without discussing this with us. Whenever I try to talk to her about the need for her to keep paying, we only charge $230 per week for a 4 bedroom home and large yard, she says she doesn't want to talk about it and that she is doing the best she can and basically wants that to be the end of the discussion. I struggle with that as I feel it is unfair and she cannot see why I feel that way. She says she wants a mother not a landlord so I approached a property manager to negoitate with her and now my daughter says what a low act, that I obviously don't want a relationship with her and no way will she work with real estate. So I feel if I asked her if there was anything she needed help with she would say, don't charge me rent. She receives payment from Centrelink and child support from her husband and as a result of choices she has made no longer works. Can you help me with that as I struggle with the feeling of this being unfair and tend to ruminate as I don't want it to be this way.

Re: Seeking advice

@Kazz1 

 

Has your daughter given you any clues as to what happened in November?  If she has consistently met her financial obligations for six years and 'suddenly' that has ceased and

she is difficult to approach, it is possible that there may be another person in the background. Just as an example, if she has on-line access - could she be the victim of a catfishing scam and is just too mortified to let you know, in case you judge her....maybe she's had her bank account cleaned out and is hoping for a lottery win to get her out of the poop.

 

Have a think about that possibility and Google up a few news stories about women who have been duped (especially through online dating sites) and next time you catch up (maybe you could print one or two out), say: "Did you read about this person who lost all their money........"

 

Just a thought, I tend to think outside of the box... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Re: Seeking advice

Yes always good to think outside the box and maybe you are right, but another thought has been suggested that money may have been going on other substances as there has been weight loss and a change in thinking, lots of posting, no work, isolating etc. Just had a very difficult day today with her and am feeling pretty shattered.

Re: Seeking advice

 

Are the children with her and are they safe, at this time?

Re: Seeking advice

Yes they are with her and I think they are safe. I have communicated with her ex and it is his weekend to have them, he will be picking them up in the morning and he will let me know how they are. She has also messaged him and seems to have settled so I hope all is calm.

Re: Seeking advice

@Kazz1 

 

That's good, that will give her some space. Might be good for you to focus on your own needs this weekend and your partner, and not initiate any contact with your daughter.  Let the dust settle.

 

Re: Seeking advice

Yes I certainly agree and plan to do that. Thanks for your help

Re: Seeking advice

I think you need to be really careful here. If she is substance abusing, then the children are not safe.
Looks like this situation has been escalating longer than just 4 months.
I can understand how difficult this is for you as it involves the people that you love and you only want the very best for them. You may have to think about seeing someone who deals with these situations, who can give you options and guidance.
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