Lived Experience Forum

[BlueBay]

Morning @Shaz51@Zoe7@Owlunar@Razzle

well I went to the Xmas party. It was ok. I’m sat on our stores table and the other store had another table. But the problem with thst is no interaction between stores. It’s been like that fir a few years where it’s us and them. Really awkward when socialising. 

But I went had dinner chatted and even laughed!!

today we need to fix our back garden with more plants and sleepers. 

Hope you all have a nice day. Chat later xxxxx

[Zoe7]

So glad you went and even had a good time @BlueBay - and a huge bonus that you even laughed - that is wonderful to hear. 

Gooduck with the gardening today - I need to do some weeding but I have to get my planning done first (and I am not into that just yet today).

I am also hoping to get some more housework done as I know this week is super busy and I will not have a lot of opportunities to get other things done.

Have a great day BB - chat later 

[BlueBay]

Hi everyone @Zoe7@Shaz51@Owlunar@Razzle

I’ve hit a slump 

I’m really tired weak snd not thinking 

I’m drowning in my own thoughts 

I just want to sleep

i need yo shut down 

its like I want to shut everything around me away snd not deal with things 

just typing this is really hard my hands and body is weak snd tired

I’ve hit a wall 

inside and not coping 

[Zoe7]

Maybe a sleep is what you need then @BlueBay I had a sleep this afternoon and although I still feel tired I am more able to cope with the rest of the day. Sometimes our body tells us what we need and we need to listen to it.

[Owlunar]

HI @BlueBay

I will always be honest with you - you can be sure of that - and I am glad you checked out your insurance with the RACV - when I had to deliver a cheque for the company I worked for I always took the manager's car - but things have changed since then obviously

But does your company pay you for the petrol you use when you deliver these packages? I hope they do. How far did you drive - over 70 km - that's quite a lot

I'm glad you went to the company socializing event - it's normal to have a bit of a downer after a good time - perhaps you ask questions like "Why can't I always have fun like that?" - I get it - when I was younger I worried a lot about what I said afterward - not anymore - I know now people are worried too much about themselves and how they feel - or they drink and don't care - 

The weather here has been weird - the sunset last night was really beautiful, sacred and scary - I will see if I can post some of the photos I took later - transferring them from my phone to my computer can be tricky and only works sometimes - but still the photos give no idea about now incredibly fantastic the sky was

I hope today is better and about the two shops not getting along with each other - that's a pity - talk about it at work - bring it up with the other people - suggesting how much better it would be if you could all get along and not be just them and us

Sometimes these things take just one person - just coming up with a positive suggestion - otherwise - why go to the same party?

All the best today 

Dec

[BlueBay]

Thanks @Owlunar. 

@Zoe7@Shaz51@Razzle

I saw my doctor today and told him about the near head on crash. He was shocked and asked if I was ok. I told him I was shocked and scared. I really don’t know what happened. I did tell him I was very angry. He wants me to walk dsily snd I had to promise him that I would tidsy at 3pm. I kept my promise snd did walk. Didn’t make me feel any better. He said let’s do one day at a time. I told him I can’t guarantee I would go tomorrow but he said pls try. 

I feel my life will be like this forever. 

I csnt see the light at the end of the tunnel. I feel I’ll always be like this. 

My dictir said to tskr my meds snd nit stop like I do. He said fir now I’m nit coming off them. 

Whsts the point in taking them. I hate my BPD I hate everything about it snd all the symptoms I have. 

I sn angry at people. People that don’t understand or don’t care. I’m sngry at certain people which I can’t say what I would do if i had a chance snd was stronger

no one deserves to be left the way I feel sfter being abused. 

Gish I’m angry. 

If I could self harm  I would. If I coukd really hurt someone I would - but I can’t. You know why - because it’s nit me. I’m nit that kind of horrible person. 

I’m so done eith everuthing. I’m exhausted at trying and trying. I’m done trying to please everyone. 

I just want to 

well can’t evdn do that. Is it weakness or just that I csnt follow something 

I’m scared because I don’t know what I want. And inside of me I am SCREAMING so much. 

I need yo get go. Far away where no one csn find me. 

It’s horrible right now. 

[BlueBay]

Who am I? 

What do I want in life 

i am am tired of these questions I csnt. answer 

it’s too hard yo think

i don’t knoe if I csn snymire 

I hate myself my life snd the psin 

[Razzle]

I’m hearing you @BlueBay.  I know what it’s like to put on the mask while

you’re screaming inside. I also know how it feels to want to hurt the abusers, and like yourself I can’t either.  

I have seen some of my abusers, and when they see me they look so guilty, I hope on some level they also feel fear that one day it will all come out, I hope they are looking over their shoulders every day of their lives just waiting for the floor to drop out of their worlds.

One of my abusers is dead, I can only

hope he died a horrible death - I’ll never know for sure but I’m happy to think that he did.

Another of my abusers is now a self imposed prisoner in his own home, a self made recluse that is suffering terribly with depression - as horrible as depression is - I enjoy every single second that he is suffering.

I’m envious that you went for a walk, lordy I’m missing being able to do the simple things like that.  If you don’t want to walk for you, do me a favour and walk for me. I’d love that - maybe doing it for someone else won’t feel like a “Drs Order” but as a community service for those of us in the community that just can’t do it yet 👍😄

I don’t take any meds, and I really feel for you that you need to - emphasis on the NEED.  I know you feel that they’re not working, but maybe your missing the times that they are.  You went to your Xmas party - you laughed (I was so happy to hear that).  You find joy in your grand daughter, you feel better at the ocean.  You reach out for help when you need it either to your Dr or to us here on the forum.   These are all little wins that will add up to big ones.  Would you have been able to do these things without the medication ?

I see mental illness as exactly that - an illness.  I don’t feel I was any less of a person when I took strong pain killers for my broken ankle, or when I have a migraine, they helped me get through.  And when I finally start to weight bare, I’ll be shovelling them down my throat because I know there will be pain again.  The same way you need your medications to get through and ease the pain you’re suffering, I don’t think any less of you, just because your illness can’t be seen doesn’t mean it is any less of an illness.

Take care of yourself @BlueBay, you are doing the very best you can, and you are doing a wonderful job of it, even if you don’t think you are.  You’re probably sick of hearing this, or things similar - but my councillor quite often tells me “things will get better”.  When I don’t feel like they are, I just keep waiting it out until it does ❤️❤️

[Zoe7]

Well said @Razzle 

How is your anke going now - is it still painful or more of a nuisance?

[Razzle]

Hi @Zoe7, ankle is just annoying.  I really really REALLY want to take a step, but I know I’ll just set myself back if I do that.  Can’t wait to start driving again too, I HATE being a passenger.  Still swells on and off, but I’m over the half way mark, so the countdown is on.

How was your weekend ??