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Something’s not right

Anon4
Senior Contributor

Relationships and problems

Hello!

 

I'm so stuck that it's a source of amusement. Perhaps others are similarly stuck. My experience is my own, but if you see similarities to your own circumstance and gain a laugh, then that's good. Or a worry. Take your pick.

 

The relationships in my life I feel most nourished by are invariably pathological: be my mum or forget it. It never occurred to me that others might care about me as an equal who has value, and me forcing them into the box that fits my perceived needs might be painful and confusing for them, and ultimately destructive of the relationship.

 

So now I have to find a way to cut that out and try for normal person relationships. The thought freaks me out. I'd rather be in agony and comforted than actually happy and healthy, thanks. Gross.

 

Being alone is a non-option.

 

So, my options are to keep hurting people, freak out more than I can bear, or freak out more than I can bear. All while every marketing paraphernalia on mental health screams "talk about your problems!", when my exact problem is that I am so anxious about not having problems to draw the mother-figures in that that becomes the problem I can draw them in with while clothing it in newer and sympathetic clothing in my mind to make it more palatable.

 

I dunno, man. I feel like there needs to be a corner of the mental health paradigm that encourages shutting the hell up about your problems if you're someone who pathologically cannot seem to function without them.

6 REPLIES 6

Re: Relationships and problems

Hello @Anon4.
Sometimes we think that there is no one out there that can understand us, and we tend to shut out everyone including ourselves and become trapt in our negative thinking and a distorted image of ourselves and others in our lives. I believe that you need to start a new page in your chapter and begin to allow others in your life. You are unique and one of a kind, start loving who you are and embrace those who care about you and support you. I hope this will help you. Take care, Silverfox.

Re: Relationships and problems

Thanks, Silverfox! I particularly like your chapter analogy. The last thing I want to do is abandon this sad part of me because it doesn’t feel nice. Perhaps there are ways to honour it without staying stuck in it. Writing a new chapter doesn’t have to mean burning the previous one.

Re: Relationships and problems

Hi @Anon4 

 

I remember reading a while ago about patterns that can develop when you're involved with narcissistic partners/families. One of the things I remember reading is that a victim of a narcissist is often unable to break away from an unhealthy relationship because of the cycle of drama they're caught in. I believe it's common for those in such a situation to stay in toxic relationships, whether it is a partner or family member. I'm not sure if this is relevant to your situation at all, just reading the last part of your post about being someone who seems to seek out problems--whether intentionally or not--sounded quite similiar to what I'd read. I also read that these are all patterns that can be broken once they have bee realised, but it takes time and work.

 

Apologies if this is not at all relevant to your situation.

 

All the best.

Re: Relationships and problems

Applicable enough for me to ask what work is involved in fixing it, because I am busted wide open with nowhere to go.

Re: Relationships and problems

@Anon4 In short, therapy.

 

Recognising toxic people and relationships, though it's often very tough to see this clearly until you're out of the relationship. This is where a therapist can help recognise potential red flags for you and work on strategies to either help you step out of the relationship or ways to disengage from the hooks of drama without leaving the relationship.

 

If you're curious to learn more about narcissism; I'd recommend a quick google search around the subject of children of narcissistic parents. There's a lot of helpful digital books on Kindle that you can download. Have a search and see if anything sounds relevant to your situation.

Re: Relationships and problems

Hey @Anon4. I would second what @Silverfox and @saltandpepper have said. Talking to someone who is trained in this field will help enlighten you to patterns that have been happening throughout your life and help guide you to break them.

Never let go of your past but learn from it, grow from it and become a more refined version of yourself 😊
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