EXTREMELY Concerned about Daughter

[Concerned]

Hi there.  

I'm a single mother of two adult daughters.  After being bullied at school at the age of 13, one of my daughters developed depression, anxiety, anorexia, bi-polar?, borderline personality disorder? and may also have aspergers.

I have been looking after her and her mental conditions for the past 12 years and I'm extremely concerned that she is getting worse; not better.  She has had every recommended treatment available, even ECT, but nothing has helped.  She has been suicidal now for the past 18 months, but the last month has been terrifying.  I'm physically and mentally exhausted from trying to reassure someone who just wants to die. She has told me the only reason she's still here is because she doesn't want to upset me, but that has recently changed over the last couple of weeks; she's asked for my permission to take her own life!

She was legally admitted into the public mental health system because she was suicidal about 8 months ago, but this only made things worse.  She's been in and out of a private psychiatric hospital for her eating disorder, depression and ECT therapy for the past 17 months.  Nothing has helped.

For the past month all she has done is cry (continuously), stress over how 'fat' she is, has numerous panic attacks every day, is unable to sit still and has to shake her leg to calm herself down.  I've had to take more leave from my job just to ensure her safety.

She's had numerous appointments about the severity of her current condition, and the only solution is to put her back into the public mental health system which is not an option (her last admission was frightening and she was offered drugs!).

I'm at the point now that I don't feel she can recover from this and I really don't know what to do.

Any advice is welcome.

TIA from Concerned (and now overwhelmed and exhausted).

[mia1]

Hi concerned. my family is in the same boat. we have tried everything but to no avail. our daughter is in her 30,s and is determined she wants to die. she abuses medication and in the last couple of weeks has become quite violent, throwing things and using fowl language. my husband is the main carer as she and I clash. it is very difficult for anyone involved with kids that have mental issues. if you need to vent. happy to listen. know where you are at.

[CherryBomb]

Hi @Concerned,

It's sounds like things are extremely stressful for both you and your daughter right now. I get the sense that you're starting to fall into dispair. 

You're not alone, and there are a few carers who have reached this same point, where they feel that the situation is helpless. Just this week @MummyMountain posted about her daughter who has also been at risk over the past year. I wonder if she can share some of her experiences here?

It is possible that things can better. @astrengthinever and @Vicki have written about some things they did to care for their daughters who faced similar difficulties, which you can read about here. 

Often when it feels like things are at lost, I find that as well as getting support, doing research and getting informed can really help. There are courses that are specifically created to help family members like yourself who are struggling to care for their loved one. Both astregthinever and Vicki have done some and MummyMountain is about to do one soon. 

There are also support services like ARAFMI who provide support specifically to carers.

That's sad news to hear that your husband is telling your daughter to 'just snap out of it'. It's not that easy. It seems like you're having to manage it all on your own. Do you have support for yourself? I ask because caring for someone is tiring. When we're tired, our capacity to care can wear thin, which is no good for us, or the person we care for. Please ensure that you get some time to care for you too.

CherryBomb

[Concerned]

Thanks mia1,

Luckily my daughter isn’t violent, just extremely anxious and depressed. So hard to cope with the constant crying.

I’m exhausted and her father just keeps telling her to ‘snap out of it’. What’s worse is that he won’t communicate or assist me in any way.

I’m scared of what is to come.

Cheers.

[Concerned]

Hi Cherry Bomb,

My ex-husband and I divorced around three years ago.  He refuses to speak to me, but I'm continually texting him to keep him up-to-date with what's happening to his daughter; he never responds!

I'm in a state now that I feel all is lost with my daughter.  She has seen so many different health professionals and tried every drug available, and still is getting worse.

I feel like I'm mentally preparing myself for the inevitable. 😞

Concerned.

[MummyMountain]

Hi @Concerned,

I am familiar with your feelings of exhaustion, frustration, concern. Hearing my 15 year old talk about how she wants to die is just heartbreaking. My daughter seems to swing between an eerie calmness accompanying her dark thoughts and violent raging, and her verbalising is all to do with her hatred, anger, disappointment, guilt, blame, confusion and sometimes after hours of all this, her real self (not her illness) might peep out for a few minutes to ask "will I always be like this?" These moments of clarity never last long before she is lost to the self destruction, threats and assaults on those closest to her. I have conceded today that regardless of her diagnoses and treatment options, I am unable to physically contain her in her current state of mind. The inpatient ward she is currently need to discharge her as they see signs of institutionalisation in there. She is getting dependent on them after being there for a couple of weeks now. I'm a nervous wreck and am trying to arrange for her to be cared for by her father. He may not be able to and so its secure welfare for her until I am restored enough and she internalises that to live here, she will have to abide by my requirements which are absolutely no violence, threats or self harm. 

It sounds like you have tried many avenues for your daughter and I dont have any advice. I only have my presence here as another concerned mum who has lost the ability to inspire and motivate and protect my child. I dont have any answers. My own wellbeing and that of my 13 year old son has been severely compromised and I'm fortunate to have engaged with a social worker for myself a couple of months ago now. Through her support, I have a small spark of fire within me which I am going to ignite with the fan of self compassion. I have lived experience with depression and suicide ideation so to fall any further in my own health will be a worse outcome than drawing a line in the sand today of what I cant accept in my home anymore. Much love.

[mia1]

my daughter wasn't violent until just recently. I think its pure frustration. I too am scared of the outcome of it all.

[MummyMountain]

Hi @mia1,

I agree. My daughter has done all the things we are advised to do when we have mental health issues yet she has no relief from her overwhelming anxiety and obsessive negative thinking. We have virtually begged for sedative drugs to just give her some respite but due to a heart arrythmia arising from malnutrition and stress, the doctors say its not safe. This is very hard to digest when I look at my daughter who appears to prefer "unsafe" to living in the hellish experience of her mind and body. She has little trust in the ability of this world to ease her suffering and so far, this is playing out. I understand that if she can tolerate her distress for a little longer and we can keep her medically healthy enough, that long term, regular treatment with dbt/cbt, family therapy and life skills such as relationship conflict resolution, questioning our own thinking, mindfulness, art therapy etc. will all coagulate to kickstart her will to live again. 

I was just thinking that if I had unlimited funds... what would I do? I reacon I would take off to a bush camp in the middle of nowhere, maybe we would need some assistance with outdoor living through guides or mentors. But a complete escape from the materialism, industrialism and oppression of our society would be the best medicine for depression and anxiety, in my opinion.

[ivana]

Hi Concerned,

Is your daughter taking any medication/s that could have the side effects or restlessness or weightgain?

Have you considered ordering for her some private pathology tests?

[Concerned]

Hi Ivana,

I'm more than willing to pay for any private blood tests if it will help.  She is currently taking multiple medications, none of which appear to be helping.