@CherryBomb thanks for making this. I think this is going to be one of my favourite threads. I do talk with friends (a lot more now!) but sometimes you really do need to blow off something where you don't need a friend.
My advice to anyone is do not attempt to make major changes in your life and work 50 hours in a demanding job at the same time. After two therapy sessions, no more than 6 hours sleep a night (most under 5), a D&M with a close mate, 3 days worth of conferences with one day in Melbourne I'm burnt out but I can't sleep still. That's why I write, sometimes it calms me down. It's what I've been doing all week. Late at night and before work, once at 3am because I think my brain was making edits to something and decided I had to make them right then. I don't like sleeping pills so I won't be taking them tonight even though it's probably better self care at this point.
Being beat down with bipolar left me with a confidence problem. It's taking a really long time to sort out, I haven't been able to shake it. It's funny really, I speak to various CEOs all day at work but yet when it comes to people I care about I can't. I don't get it. Anyway this week was the pointy end of the work to fix it, like all projects all the work gets done right at the end, that's me experience anyway.
My therapist had been pushing me to ask this girl out (@suzanne here's your update). I should have done it a long time ago and my therapist pretty much laid down the law this week (she even sent me a msg saying 'just do it' one afternoon). She stopped engaging me about if I should do it and moved onto the how.
So I did. What wasn't so great was I had to do it over email (long story short: she is currently working pretty much a 24hr job in a remote location with shit internet and frankly waiting for her to get back wasn't going to make for a better opportunity either).
Anyway I was apprehensive at first writing the email. What would I say? How would it be perceived? Is this the wrong time? I write for a living so these shouldn't be big questions but they were. The first draft took roughly 4 hours for roughly 5-6 average paragraphs. Edits took another 2ish hours (at 3am). A long time for me to write something that short.
As I got going, I felt better and better about it, reassured even. I started thinking hey, if someone sent this to me even if it was a no I would still be pretty ducking chuffed about it. That's a change for me - to feel confident about saying what I feel. Another huge change in my thinking is that at this stage I would be near a panic attack because she hasn't responded. But I see given her work it's probably going to take awhile. That, and she'll probably want some time to think - we've been friends awhile, it took me awhile to think yeah, she's alright so I guess she might like some time too. I can see and believe the positive thoughts now than rather solely believe the negative thoughts.
While it'll be nice to get a yes response, I think I've made a lasting change. It's huge for me to even say what I said. I'm happy I did it. Taking action and then reflecting on it has meant I've had so many feelings this week. Some uncomfortable, some nice but it's been enjoyable to finally experience them all. I'm a bit like 'ooh what's that feeling, I've never experienced this before, let's investigate it!' I'm beginning to understand what it means to be living rather than just sick.
At the same time I do feel somewhat disappointed in myself because I have underestimated myself so much. The opportunities lost. Ok, sure everyone misses opportunities but that's different to losing them because you're sick. But I like the paragraph above so much more. It's prospective not retrospective like this one.
I guess that's why my profile pic is what it is. I was photographing bands a few years back and I caught this girl with this huge tat. The lighting sucks but it was a crowded bar and I could only grab her for a sec. But the message stuck and for someone to get it tattooed on them means they must live by it. I wish I adopted it for myself at the time but it was hard to see why I would. How times have changed.
No one tells you getting stable is just the first step and that the work only really begins then.
