Lived Experience Forum

[BPDSurvivor]

@Alex32redden 

It's great to hear from someone who has symptoms of BPD. I've had BPD for over 15 years, and you know what? I'm glad about it. If I did not have BPD, I would not be the person I am today. I would not be able to help the people I do, nor empathise with those such as yourself.

I'm not saying the journey is easy, but it sure is worth while. Thoughts of self harm and isolation may be chronic and my never go, but there's ways to work around it. There is not a day which goes by whereby I am free from suicidal ideation. In wish I didn't have them, but I do. This is when I remind myself that they are thoughts. If I can sit long enough with these negative thoughts, they WILL eventually go. 

Dear @Alex32redden , please try looking at your symptoms through a different lens. Whether you have BPD or not, it doesn't matter. You feel alone and hopeless and it's totally reasonable. I'm so glad you have reached out.

I am proud to have been labelled a borderline. If anything, I want to share this amazing journey with you and that's why I'm here. 

Please feel free to ask me questions about my BPD journey. I'd be delighted to share. I am not 'cured', but I've come a long long way. If you hang in there, things WILL shift.

 All the best,

BPDSurvivor

[Alex32redden]

Thanks for your kind words.

If I have the condition I don't think I have it that badly. My parents are invalidating at times but they are good people and far from abusive like many BPD sufferers have. I am very sorry to hear about your suffering with this condition. I know it wasn't your intention but it doesn't really help my hopeless feelings when someone says they get suicidal ideation every day still years later. This is why I feel hopeless as I feel like the big cause of my deppression is my emotional regulation and I want to help it but wherever I go I read something about BPD sufferers that makes me feel a little doomed. 

Have you done DBT? Also, I hope I'm not being too invasive with this question but is your suicidal thoughts due to deppressive symptoms? 

It's the low motivation, apathy and ahnedonia (deppression) that hits me. My actual life is actually pretty good. I have a good family etc.

It's the deppression that makes me suicidal.

[outlander]

hi @Alex32redden
I too have BPD and yes I agree it can be really tricky and stigmatised by mental health professionals. often our other ailments like physical conditions or simply having a bad day are 'blamed' on the BPD.

I am relatively new to the BPD diagnosis (about 2ish years now) however im glad that I did because its enabled me to learn more about it, why I am the way I am and why I react in certain ways as well. Through this I have also found many ways to cope.
I don't believe that a mental health diagnoses defines who you are, its merely just a piece of you.

I haven't done DBT myself as I feel uncomfortable in group settings but I have done abit of work on it myself out of a textbook and also learning from other members as well.

I know there are many members here who have done DBT, if you like I could ask them to share their opinion and thoughts for you ?

[BPDSurvivor]

Dear @Alex32redden 

I was part of an MBT group - metallisation based therapy. It is relatively new. I completed 18 months, twice a week. At first, I couldn't see the progress and wanted to give up because it was hard work, but I'm glad I stuck it out. At the end of the 18 months, there was an immense shift.

As for my chronic suicidal ideation, I'm sorry if mentioning it didn't help. I'd just like to clarify: if you look at the diagnostic criteria for BPD, self-harm and suicidal ideation is on the list. It is not because I am depressed. It just happens and I cannot explain why. I'll give you a bit of an example, if someone has an illness, but does not have any symptoms (and tests are negative), can you confidently say they have the illness? Don't get me wrong, many people with BPD do not have constant suicidal thoughts, but I do. I used to get depressed over it but now I just accept it because I know I'm not acting on it.

However, therapy and treatment has enabled me to cope with these thoughts so that I don't act on them. 

And, dear @Alex32redden , I came from a very very good nuclear family. There was no abuse. There wasn't even swearing in the house. Yet I clearly have BPD.

I want you to know it is not a life-sentence. You are not 'doomed'. There are ways to deal with emotional dysregulation. DBT, ACT, MBT are all forms of treatment which work. But it takes commitment. 

Hospital admissions etc. did not work for me. If anything, it was detrimental to my MH. I needed people to talk to. People who would listen to me. People who could show me there's a way out of this emotional torment. And this is what you've done. You have reached out to people who are willing to listen and show you there's a way out.

 Persist @Alex32redden , it's totally worth it.

BPDSurvivor

[Alex32redden]

I've had a falling out with my family. I would rather die then go back there. I don't know what to do

[NatureLover]

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@Alex32redden wrote:

I've had a falling out with my family. I would rather die then go back there. I don't know what to do

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I'm sorry to hear this, @Alex32redden . 

Is there any way you could move out of home in the near future?

A good forum tip is to type @ and then click on a member's name in the drop-down box - that way they'll get a notification that you're replying to them. Like I did for you in this post. You can do this for more than one member. Otherwise your post can get missed.

[Alex32redden]

I barely have the motivation to put 1 foot in front of the other. Everybody hates me in this world. I'm finished

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hi @Alex32redden, we are really worried about you based on your last few posts. It sounds like things are really challenging for you right now and we would like to reach out via email to check on you. Please keep an eye on your inbox. 

[Alex32redden]

This is the only safe place for me to say i want to die. When i said it in my life the police came and bullied me when my family left the room

[Peregrinefalcon]

Hey @Alex32redden, it sounds like things are really difficult at the moment which is why we have contacted you via email. 

The forums are a fantastic peer support space but when it comes to your safety it is best if we support you through email. 

Thank you,

Peregrinefalcon