Something’s not right
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16-04-2021 06:26 PM
16-04-2021 06:26 PM
Re: My Mosaic
Thank you @Anastasia your thoughts and words are greatly appreciated.
I have a lot of shame linked to my Ed. We also briefly touched on that today. My dietitian asked to talk about what was going on for me when talking about my laxative abuse because I obviously became very upset. So much shame. Shame that this is where things are at. She said there is no shame with Ed's, it's how I cope with life at the moment. But I still feel it so deeply. I have not told anyone in irl of this constant battle that I face every day. My folks don't even know the extent at which this control my daily life. I hid it so well. I'm not even sure some people would believe me if I was to tell them the things I do. The things that I think about myself. It's so messy. So intense.
My first appointment with my dietitian, the goals were way too much. 3 meals, 3 snacks. I walked out and fell to pieces at how overwhelming it all felt. we scaled it way back then. Small goals feel more achievable. But some days none of it feels achievable at all. Some days the Ed voices in my head are so loud and destructive that I just don't see a way through. I spoke with the butterfly foundation this afternoon. They really get it. I can start a conversation with them and feel utterly stupid about the fight that I am having in my head and they just get it. Tonight I am really cold, I had a cup of soup for dinner and I feel horrible inside. I feel sick. I want to cry. It's hard.
I will get my home work done that my psychologist set for me last appointment. She asked me to write some of the difficult thoughts down that I have, the feelings and a few other things. I find writing a lot easier. But am apprehensive of being too honest, if people could see what's going on inside they will put me away, every day is a struggle at the moment. I come so close. I have been putting off taking my meds the last few nights cause I am scared. Si continues to be a constant. I'm tired of it. Fighting it is exhausting. Maybe if she sees some of this on paper she will insist on weekly appointments?
thank you again.
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16-04-2021 06:45 PM
16-04-2021 06:45 PM
Re: My Mosaic
Hey @Bow, it sounds to me like you've done some incredibly brave things recently. Putting yourself out there is a very vulnerable and scary thing, but also very brave as I said, and I'm so pleased for you that you were able to work up that courage. Hearing your exhaustion also. Not wanting to fight anymore when it seems like you've been fighting for so long makes complete sense. There's a lot going on. It's ok to struggle with that. But please don't hesitate to reach out if what you're experiencing starts to feel too overwhelming- it sounds like the Butterfly Foundation were helpful for you, which is great, and there's also the Suicide Callback Service or Sane's Helpcentre is open until 10pm this evening if you'd just like to speak to someone 1:1 non-urgently. Wishing you strength to do whatever feels right for you.
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16-04-2021 06:49 PM
16-04-2021 06:49 PM
Re: My Mosaic
@Bow none of what you are saying is silly or wrong, I hear you and I get it. To me it sounds like you have comes long way from where you were? Baby steps and achievable goals. You'll get there. Be firm that you needweekly appointments Bow, it's not shameful and you're definitely not a failure. I see you as a winner because you are trying to get help. Sh, *sigh I hear you I don't have much advice. My boy does too and when we talk about it I try to understand why but I really can't fully understand because I'm not him if that makes sense? I'm sorry. I don't think any less of you or anyone who does. If anything my heart breaks that there is that much internal pain. I'm sorry Bow. Something to continue to work on with your pdoc hunny because you are worth it.
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16-04-2021 09:08 PM
16-04-2021 09:08 PM
Re: My Mosaic
such horrible anxiety tonight it doesnt feel ok
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16-04-2021 09:14 PM
16-04-2021 09:14 PM
Re: My Mosaic
why does today have to be so flipping hard
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16-04-2021 11:29 PM
16-04-2021 11:29 PM
Re: My Mosaic
Hi @Bow sounds like things are tough for you again, please remember your saftey plan and the support around you. You've got this, you have done it before. Reach out to the supports mentioned should things escalate for you. Please take care of yourself
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17-04-2021 01:15 AM
17-04-2021 01:15 AM
Re: My Mosaic
Anyone around?
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17-04-2021 11:11 AM
17-04-2021 11:11 AM
Re: My Mosaic
Good morning @Bow @Anastasia
Hoping both of your days go ok for you and there is some goodness in them.
Lots and lots of love and hugs 💌💌💌
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17-04-2021 02:57 PM
17-04-2021 02:57 PM
Re: My Mosaic
Feeling extremely fragile today. Things spiralled so badly and quickly last night. 000 were called. I am at a loss today. I can't keep living like this. Life is too hard.
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17-04-2021 03:55 PM
17-04-2021 03:55 PM
Re: My Mosaic
Hi @Bow
Sorry to hear things are not great. Is there some slef care you can do for yourself. A warm bath, hot shower, watch a movie, read a book.
I am just about to go and have a shower then have a cuppa for some self care.